Often when clients come to see me, they are seeking help with their struggles around body image. In some cases, they've hated their bodies for most of their lives. They keep thinking that the right weight or surgical intervention are the final piece to fall into place to help them let go of the hatred. However, as I learn more about their history, this rarely comes to fruition. Those weight losses bring about increased monitoring rather than relaxation. The surgeries often provide temporary relief until the next flaw come under scrutiny.
The truth is, body acceptance and body neutrality are not destinations. They are not places we magically arrive through altering our appearance or even reading books. Not even talk therapy can bring about body acceptance without additional work outside the session. Body acceptance is a practice.
Whether it is playing an instrument or meditation, it is repetition that deepens our relationship. Did you notice that I didn't say 'practice makes perfect'? Why not? The saying is bullshit. Nothing is perfect. Yo Yo Ma can still improve upon his cello playing. The Dalai Lama can always find a deeper, richer practice of meditation. There is no perfect. There is no finish line. The same can be said for our body image practices.
In the world of therapy and neuroscience, we have another saying -- "whatever wires together, fires together." This refers to neuroplasticity. If we want to change our thinking, we have to practice changing our thought patterns. Body acceptance or neutrality won't just show up. We have to practice accepting and neutral thoughts toward our bodies in order to create those pathways through our brains. Hating on our thighs and belly won't someday spawn a kind thought without first trying on some ideas. Here are a few practices that might help start hacking some new, compassionate (or more neutral) body image paths through your brain:
- Cultivate curiosity and gratitude. Consider an area of your body that you have more neutral feelings. Take a moment to focus on the function of this part. What does it do for you without your noticing? How can you practice feeling gratitude toward this part of your body?
- Acknowledge the brainwashing. Most of our negative thoughts about our bodies are a result of some form of diet culture. Whether it was simply the lack of size diversity in media throughout your childhood, or a parent who called you ugly and fat (as a negative) for decades, our unrealistic societal standards came crashing through. When you notice a negative body thought, acknowledge that you've been unconsciously in the diet cult for most of your life. Just like any cult, we've been brainwashed to believe the things that best serve the cult -- in this case, disliking our bodies. If you'd been rescued from a cult, it would take you a while to deprogram these thoughts. This is no different for the diet cult.
- Try meditation. There are lots of different meditations online with some focus on body image. I recorded this one a few years ago -- it takes about six minutes.
- Get out. Go out and be with people. Sometimes this actually works better with strangers. Go to a place (market, mall, movie theater, busy street) where people are out and about living their lives. Ask yourself whether you'd be as critical of others as you would for yourself.
- Touch grass. If being out with people is just a bit too much, go outside and find a patch of nature. Go look at a tree, walk through the woods or listen to moving water (waves, babbling brook, waterfalls). You and your body are just another part of the incredible nature of this planet.
- Be in your element. Do something that you feel pretty good about. What are you good at? As you do it, notice how your body shows up for you without you even noticing.
- Look at your whole body. Most people look in any reflective surface with their eyes immediately darting to their 'problem areas.' That is not how others see you. That is not how you see other people. Zoom out and see the whole person.
- Take a break from the mirror or the selfies. For some of us, the treatment is to stop avoiding the mirror. For others, we need to take a break from obsessing over our physical appearance. Throw a sheet over your mirror. Place post-its with compassionate phrases or funny quotes over the areas of the mirror where you tend to focus.
- Be silly. Humor encourages psychological flexibility. In body hatred, we become rigid. Laughter is a great way to mix things up. Listen to or watch stand up comedy. Watch hilarious animal videos. Whatever gets you laughing, seek it out.
Above all, remember these practices are not a 'one and done' situation. We need to do them over and over and over to start cultivating different thoughts than our habituated hatred. There will be days where it feels like nothing is changing, and other days where you feel like you're making progress. Remember, every practice matters.
