I remember the first time a client told me that she asked ChatGPT about an issue instead of bothering me on a weekend. She was proud. At the time, her work focused partly on maintaining appropriate relationship boundaries, so I understood her perspective of this as a win.
That said, the trend of skipping therapy (or even talking with a friend) in favor of communing with AI is distressing. I You might be rolling your eyes, saying, “of course you feel that way – you’re a therapist!” Absolutely. I own that I have a horse in this race. But even more than a therapist, I write this as a person concerned about the overall human condition in this age of technology.
Therapy is about connection. We negotiate every part of relationships within the therapeutic connection. Getting to know one another, taking risks in sharing ourselves, feeling soul-filling validation, weathering disagreements and misunderstandings – it’s all there. In therapy, we can learn how to repair relationships and, most importantly, build trust. Therapists are imperfect – just like all the other people in your life. We don’t learn how to navigate relationships with flawed humans by chatting with machines who have all the answers.
Tolerating vulnerability is an incredibly important skill. Let’s be clear, a lot of the time, feeling vulnerable sucks. We feel exposed, scared, and terrified of rejection. We share our feelings and risk other people turning away. Simultaneously, this experience is the stuff of life. Living life without taking emotional risks can leave our experience flat, often feeling close to depression.
When we are unable to tolerate vulnerability, we get stuck in life. We feel paralyzed going for our dream job. We cannot possibly risk revealing our attraction to someone. Sometimes we can’t even risk the clerk at the store judging our groceries. Avoiding vulnerability, like every other type of emotional avoidance, leaves us vulnerable (ironically) to mental health struggles and problem behaviors in service of shoving our wishes away.
When we learn to tolerate the cringey-ness of feeling vulnerable, we learn that it won’t last forever. ‘ We can sit with discomfort and know it will pass. Sometimes we can even connect further with others in the human discomfort. These are the moments that make for real, authentic connection.
Therapy is about putting the unsayable into words. “I don’t want to talk about this with my friends! It’s just easier to ask Claude!” Of course it’s easier! But I’m telling you, you’re missing out. Without having to share the most difficult and scary parts of ourselves with another human, we’re missing out on the moment of relief that comes from putting those things into words and realizing they won’t actually kill us. We’re losing the opportunity to see we might not be shamed in the way that we fear most.
The magic of therapy happens with a person saying their deepest secrets and then not die of shame. Therapists have the privilege of sitting with clients as they learn their fears/sins/mistakes/desires are simply human. Sure, you can say/type the words into AI, but the deepest healing happens in human connection. Our brain’s mirror neurons rewire when we share and others respond with acceptance rather than disgust.
A common belief of therapists (which is far older than the field of therapy) is how you do one thing, is how you do everything. As we work to improve how we relate to the world, we must do so with people. If we avoid people in trying to heal our issues, that avoidance ripples, confirming that we are un-healable/unknowable. Our brains learn the wrong lesson – that we are unacceptable for full human connection. It is hard to be a human, crave connection, be vulnerable. It helps to have support from another human who has the actual experience of being human. AI might have answers, but it will never be able to truly know how you feel.
